This new book for male survivors offers a unique perspective about moving past the ways abusers can control a survivor's life for years after the abuse. Through exercises and assignments, survivors will learn how to retake control of their lives. Ken Singer offers clear insights and useful advice about how to support a victim's recovery. Professionals working with survivors (and perpetrators who were sexually abused) and their families will find this a useful addition to their library.
"Ken Singer uses his decades of experience working with both victims and perpetrators of male sexual victimization to create a cogent description of the relationship that develops between abuser and victim. He then describes how a victim can move beyond his victimizer's hold on him. Additionally, he explains the effect of trauma on the brain in a way that will help survivors and their loved ones understand the frightening aftermath of sexual abuse for men. It is a welcome addition to the growing literature in this area."
-- Richard Gartner, Author of Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse and past president of Male Survivor
"I’m not surprised that Ken Singer has created a book that is smart, helpful, compassionate, and innovative. The author possesses all of these qualities. This book is a product of his long career working with both survivors and offenders, combining caring with toughness. Survivors, and those who care about them, will benefit from (and be challenged by) his understanding of the dynamics of abuse and his deeply human approach to “moving on” in recovery."
-- Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer and Leaping upon the Mountains
"Singer's book is well-developed, well-written, comprehensive, and both informative and practical. Not only covering a wide and important range of information pertinent to male (and to a lesser degree, female) survivors of sexual abuse, as well as their families, Singer also helps survivors and their families to understand types of sexual offenders, the motivations that may prompt perpetrators to engage in sexually abusive behavior, and types of offense-specific treatment. Singer also moves from information and education to increasingly practical ideas for self-understanding, self-help, and seeking help and support from others.
Of significance, Singer has written a fair, even-handed, and sensible book that writes directly to the survivors of sexual abuse in clear, well-phrased, and plain English, presenting ideas in a sensitive and reasonable manner without hyperbole or understatement. This is not an academic book, and is not intended to be, and that is one of its strengths; nevertheless, the book will be useful for students and practitioners alike who work with or wish to work with both sexual abuse survivors and the perpetrators of such behavior. In drawing upon his considerable experience working with both survivors and perpetrators of sexually abusive behavior, Singer also knowledgeably draws upon the literature of both fields, integrating them seamlessly and easily in this practical, comprehensive, well-written, and interesting book. This is truly a Survivor's Handbook, of equal value and interest to male and female survivors of sexual abuse, their families and supporters, and those who provide assessment and treatment to the victims of sexual abuse."
--Phil Rich, author of Stages of Accomplishments - Clinician's Manual and Client Workbooks
"A male sex abuse victim will typically spend, not invest, SPEND, WASTE if you will, all of his life trying to eject and literally dispossess himself of his perpetrator and what feels like the perpetrator's irreparable damage. The abuser perpetually lives rent-free in the victim's mind, influencing, controlling, and continuously dulling every last ounce of his life. Childhood sexual abuse truly blurs and discolors every last facet of one's life. Healing seems like an illusion at best. There is that subtle feeling of doom--never will a male sex abuse victim erase this all-pervasive mark from his life.
Along comes Ken Singer with his eviction prescription and what a relief! There is light at the end of what seems like an endless tunnel of darkness--there is a fresh and uniquely different solution and it is found in Ken Singer's book. Singer's book addresses every area of the male sex abuse experience, from grooming the victim to the victim becoming a "survivor" and finally being able to resolve this issue and get on with a more fulfilling life. This book is not a "hop, skip, and a jump" bird's-eye view of what sometimes seems like an unpopular and even uncomfortable topic; it is a THOROUGH treatment of a deep and complicated issue and it explores just about every nook and cranny--it does not leave any stone unturned. Ken Singer does this in a logical, concrete, very detailed, and easy-to-understand manner that pretty much anyone can readily comprehend. This book is an eye-opener as it attempts to answer just about any questions or concerns a male victim may have about this issue and its resolution process. Furthermore, this book speaks to EVERYONE: the victim, the survivor, the perpetrator, the therapist, the family, friends, partners, other professionals, e.g., doctors, nurses, dentists; it is appropriately and effectively all-inclusive while sustaining its primary focus. Additionally, this is an ALL-PURPOSE book: it can be used strictly for reading, as a workbook, or as a "topics for discussion" book; it can even be utilized as a textbook for psychotherapists and other professionals who need quality education and sensitization to male sexual abuse; this is a reliable reference for anyone having various questions and wanting clear-cut and up-to-date answers.
I have known Ken Singer personally and professionally for many years. Ken Singer is a neat combination of a seasoned professional and a personable human being whose commitment to his work and whose capacity for empathy exceed that of the everyday treatment provider. I have personally witnessed Ken's expertise at work with various male sex abuse survivors as well as both juvenile and adult sex offenders I referred to him through the years. My confidence with these referrals was always validated via their positive and encouraging feedback about their treatment experiences. His book is unequivocally a confirmation of my great respect for him.
This book is a SINE QUA NON for any male sex abuse victim who seriously wants to address his issues, whether alone or with the help of a qualified therapist, and achieve survivorship. It is a "must read" for any mental health clinicians who are treating males who have been sexually misused in any way.
This book duly merits a 5-star EXCELLENT rating."
--Chris Thomas, retired probation officer and survivor
There are few resources for male survivors of sexual abuse and still fewer by an author with expertise treating both survivors and abusers. This balance of knowledge and practice makes Singer’s contribution vital. Neither a workbook nor a manual, this book is a new standard for the fields of treating abusers and survivors alike.
The central mission of Evicting the Perpetrator is assisting male survivors not just in coming to terms with abuse, but in moving beyond the ways that abusers and abuse can control a person’s life, often for years after the abuse. The book itself is clear, concise, helpful, and written for both personal and professional use. Singer’s knowledge and experience are apparent in the simplicity of the text and the metaphors he uses to make complicated ideas accessible.
The most obvious strengths of the book include its organization and wealth of clinical examples. It would be very difficult for a survivor to feel alone or isolated after reading it. Singer addresses such global issues as what prevents survivors from telling, and why “demonizing” abusers helps keep them powerful in the life of the abused. He also addresses important topics spanning the effects of abuse on one’s sex life and self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors. There is a special appendix for friends and families of survivors.
For too long, resources for male survivors of sexual abuse have fallen short on their understanding of all the people involved in the abuse. Evicting the Perpetrator changes that.
--David S. Prescott, author of Assessing Youth Who Have Sexually Abused
Acknowledgements and Preface
Chapter 1 – An Introduction to the Eviction Process
Chapter 2 – Abuse and Your Brain
Chapter 3 – Questions Frequently Asked by Survivors
Chapter 4 – How Do Abusers Do It?
Chapter 5 – Different Kinds of Abusers
Chapter 6 – How Do They Make It Okay to Do What They Do?
Chapter 7 – What Kept You from Telling?
Chapter 8 – Why “Demonizing” Keeps Them Powerful
Chapter 9 – Where Is Your Anger Coming From?
Chapter 10 – How The Abuser Interferes with Your Sex Life
Chapter 11 – Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviors
Chapter 12 – Disclosure and Confrontation
Chapter 13 – A Successful Disclosure
Chapter 14 – A Successful Confrontation and Reconciliation
Chapter 15 – “Moving On” or “Letting Go” Versus Forgiveness
Chapter 16 – Self-Forgiveness for Self-Destruction
Chapter 17 – Evicting the Abuser: Empowerment through Disclosure
in Medical Situations
Chapter 18 – So, Now What?
Appendix A – A Consumer’s Guide to Selecting a Therapist
Appendix B – For Family and Friends of the Adult Survivor